Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
