a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
