this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
