I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think people are normalizing furries
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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