Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
