I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
