You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
