we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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