you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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