Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
