Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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