oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
