I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
