'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
