I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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