Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
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