You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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