I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
