Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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