You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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