Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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