Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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