I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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