On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
