I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
