It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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