I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
