naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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