Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
