my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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