And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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