woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
