Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
