You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
