i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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