I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
