Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
