please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
