I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
