god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
