And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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