She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
