grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
