i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
