whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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