I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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