I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
