Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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