so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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