I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
